untitled.

Yesterday I learned that my mom wants nothing to do with me.
She declared war between her and I.
It's a little weird.. her exact words, "Lala, this is war between you (dramatic pause) and me."
wth?!
It's a long story
I hate how she doesn't understand how society now is different than the society she grew up with. Just because she didn't experience true love, or didn't marry the guy who proposed to her because he loved her, [this guy became a priest after my mom rejected him] or married someone she didn't truly love at that time, doesn't mean that I have to go through the same thing. She told me not to accept gifts from anyone. I don't know if it's because she never received any nice gifts made out of love from her bf back in her teenage years... but she should understand the feeling when someone else gives her a gift. does she not see that if you don't accept or take a gift that it'd be rude... especially if the person on the other end spent a whole lot of time and effort into it? what's wrong with her?!?!?! She asked me why tony gets me presents. I told her that it's what boyfriends and girlfriends do. She didn't understand and simply thought of it as rubbish. trash. She doesn't see or understand why. I should have asked her.. why she gets me presents or erik presents. It's the same thing....
But I feel like I have no real mother.
It takes a lot to say to your own daughter that you do not want her, do not care where she ends up, whether she moves out, and to EVEN say not to take ANYTHING with you, no car, no phone, not even any clothes. just books. AND to even say she doesn't care if i drop out of school!? really now?!
If i had a job, i'd move out in a heartbeat
i'd take my laptop, my phone, my clothes. a photo album, every gift, everything except the car.
to hear her say she doesn't care anymore.. hurts
She's said a bunch of this stuff before in our past arguments, but i knew deep down she didn't really mean it then
but after yesterday, after that fight.. i know she means it.
Betrayal - disrespect - lies
i've sinned - sinner
God she doesn't deserve me
and I don't deserve her..
and i know that no matter how many times I try to apologize,
I will be shut down - forgiveness doesn't exist in this household
neither does the love of a family - or the line "home sweet home"
a home isn't sweet without a family that truly truly loves you or the thought "yay i'm home" said with excitement..

God, forgive me.
What will it take?